- 2020. - THAT'S A STRETCH.
- FINE. 2024.
I WIN, WE MOVE IN THERE.
I'LL TAKE THE WEST WING. YOU TAKE THE EAST WING.
YOU CAN BE THE FIRST GENTLEMAN.
- ACTUALLY, THAT SOUNDS KIND OF GREAT.
THANKS FOR COMING WITH ME TO GET MY STUFF.
- HOW COULD I PASS UP AN OPPORTUNITY
TO LOOK AT OUR FUTURE HOUSE?
- OH, JUST REMEMBERED.
I KIND OF GOT YOU AN ENGAGEMENT PRESENT.
- IS IT A WAFFLE TOWER?
- I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE BETTER THAN THAT.
[background chatter]
- CLAUDIA WELDERS.
- UH, THAT-- HOW DID--
HOW DID YOU DO THIS? - CALLED IN A FEW FAVORS.
- EXCUSE ME.
- A FEW HUNDRED FAVORS.
MR. VICE PRESIDENT.
BEN WYATT FROM CONGRESSMAN MURRAY'S OFFICE.
- HEY, BEN. DAVE TOLD ME YOU WERE GONNA BE COMING BY.
AND YOU MUST BE LESLIE KNOPE.
WELCOME. WELCOME. - [laughs]
YOU'RE--MY NAME JUST CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
- WELL, YEAH, IT DID.
- THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.
THIS ISN'T REAL.
- NO, IT'S HAPPENING,
AND I'M DELIGHTED TO HAVE YOU HERE.
ON BEHALF OF THE PRESIDENT AND MYSELF,
I WANTED TO-- - OH, MR. VICE PRESIDENT,
I AM DEEPLY FLATTERED,
BUT THERE'S NO WAY THAT I COULD TAKE OVER
MADAM SECRETARY CLINTON'S POSITION.
I MEAN-- - I'M CONFIDENT
YOU COULD DO THAT JOB OR ANY OTHER, BUT--
- OKAY, I WILL.
- WELL, THE REASON YOU'RE HERE IS I'M TOLD
YOU'VE DONE SUCH A GREAT JOB
IN YOUR TOWN AND IN THE STATE OF INDIANA,
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS
FOR YOUR PUBLIC SERVICE.
- AND I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU.
- WELL, YOU-- YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
HEY-- Y-YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
- YOU'RE VERY HANDSOME. - I THINK WE'RE ALL DONE.
- WELL, YOU'RE VERY NICE. - OKAY. THANK YOU.
- THANK-- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
- WELL-- OH, WELL, YOU WILL?
- THANK YOU, MR. VICE PRESIDENT.
- Y-YOU'RE WELCOME.
- YOU DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO HIM, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
HE IS PRECIOUS CARGO.
[triumphant music]
*
- YEAH, IT'S ACTUALLY THE SAME ACCOUNTING FIRM I ALMOST JOINED
LAST YEAR, AND THEY GAVE ME A GREAT PACKAGE--
THREE WEEKS OF VACATION, MATCHING 401(k),
AND A PRETTY SWEET WINDBREAKER.
- WOW. - I'M GETTING MARRIED,
AND I WANTED A GOOD STABLE JOB,
SO I'M GOING BACK TO ACCOUNTING.
SO JUST CALL ME BOND,
MUNICIPAL BOND.
YEAH, THAT JOKE KILLED AT THE ACCOUNTING FIRM.
- WELL, WELL, WELL.
IF IT ISN'T MR. LOOKS AND PROFESSOR BOOKS.
HE'S LOOKS. - I GOT IT.
- OF COURSE YOU DO, BOOKS. WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL, FUN FACT: BEN JUST GOT AN AMAZING ACCOUNTING JOB.
REGULAR FACT: I HAVE TO GO TO A MEETING.
UN-FUN FACT: MY UNCLE JUST HAD A STROKE.
WELL, I'M OFF.
- THIS IS ACTUALLY A CRAZY COINCIDENCE.
I HAVE A NEW COMPANY
AND COULD USE YOUR HELP ON THE MATH SIDE OF THINGS.
- OH, WHAT'S THE NEW COMPANY? - WE SPECIALIZE IN MAKING STACKS
ON STACKS ON STACKS ON STACKS.
- RIGHT. PASS.
- I'M KIDDING.
IT'S A REAL IDEA.
SO GET THIS--
KIDS ARE ALWAYS GROWING OUT OF THEIR CLOTHES,
SO THEIR PARENTS DON'T WANT TO BUY 'EM NICE THINGS.
I'M GONNA RENT MY UPSCALE CLOTHING
TO MIDDLE SCHOOL KIDS, BECAUSE I DISCOVERED
I'M ROUGHLY THE SAME SIZE AS THE AVERAGE PAWNEE 12-YEAR-OLD.
- THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY GREAT IDEA.
- I KNOW. CAN YOU TAKE A LOOK AT THE BUSINESS PLAN,
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?
- SURE. WHY NOT? - AWESOME.
- WASHINGTON, D.C. HAS
MORE DOG PARKS PER CAPITA THAN MOST CITIES.
PAWNEE ONLY HAS TWO DOG PARKS--
THIS ONE AND THAT ONE,
WHICH IS ALSO AN ACTIVE PARKING LOT.
- CAN YOU SAY "PER CAPITA" AGAIN?
I WANT TO TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU SAYING "PER CAPITA."
- STOP. - I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
NOW STAND NEXT TO THE SCREEN AND THINK ABOUT
ALL THE STRONG FEMALE ROLE MODELS IN YOUR LIFE.
- GROSS. - APRIL CAME TO ME
WITH AN IDEA TO BUILD A DOG PARK IN PAWNEE.
I RECOGNIZED HER POTENTIAL A LONG TIME AGO,
AND SHE'S FINALLY LIVING UP TO IT.
I MEAN, I AM SO PROUD OF HER,
I COULD CRY.
AND...HERE WE GO.
ONE TINY CRITIQUE.
IF YOU DO WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY,
YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT HOW YOU PRESENT YOURSELF.
- NO, THIS IS PUBLICITY
FOR ORIN'S NEW PERFORMANCE ART SHOW.
HE'S AN ANIMAL LIVING ON A HUMAN FARM.
AND YOU CAN GO AND FEED HIM FROM YOUR OWN HAND.
- UGH, THAT'S HORRIFYING,
AND SO IS ORIN.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE FRIENDS WITH HIM.
- SO, AFTER REVIEWING ALL THE OPTIONS,
I FOUND THAT THE BEST LOCATION FOR THE DOG PARK
IS LOT 48,
THE ONE BEHIND ANN'S HOUSE.
- [laughs]
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO PUT A PARK THERE FOR FOUR YEARS.
SEE, THE THING IS, APRIL, THAT LOT IS MINE.
I'VE BEEN DOING SLOW, PAINSTAKING WORK
SO I DON'T WANT TO WHIP OUT THE LEGALESE ON YOU NOW,
BUT I GOT DIBS.
WHAT WE ARE GONNA DO
IS WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOUR ENTHUSIASM,
WE'RE GONNA BUNDLE IT UP,
AND WE'RE GONNA FIND A NEW PLACE FOR A DOG PARK.
DOESN'T THAT SOUND FUN?
ONE, TWO, THREE, CHEESE. GOOD GIRL.
- GOOD MORNING, ANDY.
[clears throat]
- OKAY, SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT ABOUT MY COMPUTER.
AHA. IT'S GONE.
[gasps] A GAME IS THE FOOT.
SEE, PART OF THE POLICE ACADEMY ENTRANCE EXAM
IS INVESTIGATING A CRIME.
SO ABOUT A MONTH AGO I TOLD EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE
THAT, AT SOME POINT, THEY SHOULD STEAL SOMETHING
FROM MY DESK SO I COULD PRACTICE.
LET'S DO THIS.
WAIT, HEY, DID YOU GUYS TAKE MY GLASSES TOO?
THEY GOT MY SUNGLASSES TOO.
- I WAS IN MIAMI LAST WEEKEND.
I TOOK MY TALENTS TO SOUTH BEACH.
- HOW DO YOU SPEND YOUR TIME IN MIAMI?
MAYBE FENCING STOLEN COMPUTERS?
- YES, I TOOK YOUR GOVERNMENT COMPUTER
FROM INDIANA TO MIAMI
TO SELL IT ON THE BLACK MARKET
FOR 150 BUCKS.
- HA-HA, YOU DON'T KNOW IT, BUT YOU JUST GAVE YOURSELF AWAY.
- GOTTA SAY, I'M IMPRESSED.
YOUR MISSION STATEMENT MADE SENSE,
AND YOU DIDN'T USE ONE R. KELLY LYRIC.
- YES.
SO YOU WANT TO BE MY CFO?
- WELL, I ALREADY HAVE A JOB,
BUT I'LL HELP AS A FRIEND.
AS LONG AS YOU TAKE WHAT I SAY SERIOUSLY.
I DON'T WANT ANOTHER ENTERTAINMENT 720 DISASTER
ON OUR HANDS.
- YEAH, IT WAS A DISASTER.
TOO BAD WE DIDN'T SEE IT COMING.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S MY FIRST MOVE?
- YOU KNOW, I THINK ANY OF THE FOUR PREVIOUS LOCATIONS
WOULD WORK, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PLACE.
IT JUST HAS A REALLY GOOD ENERGY HERE,
YOU KNOW? LOTS OF NATURAL LIGHT.
- IT'S TINY AND AWFUL AND LOUD.
AND IT'S ZONE 14B, INDUSTRIAL WASTE CLEAN-UP SITE.
WE SHOULD TECHNICALLY BE WEARING HAZMAT SUITS RIGHT NOW.
- IT SEEMS LIKE THE KIND OF PLACE A SKA BAND WOULD GO
TO SHOOT HEROIN.
- COME ON, GUYS, THIS IS A GREAT PLACE FOR A DOG PARK.
I MEAN, LOOK, THERE'S ALREADY A DOG HERE.
- OH, MY GOD. I HAD THAT EXACT DOLL
WHEN I WAS A KID.
THIS IS-- THIS IS TRAUMATIC FOR ME.
- WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT LOT 48 IS THE ONLY ONE THAT WORKS.
AND I'M DEFINITELY BRINGING IT UP
AT THE NEXT CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
- APRIL, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU,
I WILL DO ANYTHING TO KEEP YOU FROM DOING THAT.
- OKAY. SAW OFF YOUR PINKY TOE.
- NO. - SHAVE YOUR HEAD.
- NO. - HAVE SEX WITH JERRY.
- NO.
- WELL, I TRIED TO BE REASONABLE.
- I HAVE CREATED A MONSTER.
AND NOW I NEED TO DESTROY HER.
WHAT DO I DO, JOE?
[impersonating Biden] WELL, LESLIE,
LOOK INTO MY EYES, TAKE A DEEP BREATH,
AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
[self] THANKS, JOE.
GOD, HE'S GOOD.
- RON, THANK YOU FOR AGREEING TO SEE ME.
- I DIDN'T. YOU JUST WALKED IN HERE AND STARTED TALKING.
- I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A HISTORY LESSON.
LOOK, I AM TRYING TO REMOVE PARKING METERS,
AND THERE IS A GUY IN PUBLIC WORKS
WHO'S BEING A REAL THORN ABOUT IT.
- WHICH GUY? - RICKY JORDACHE.
- NEVER HEARD OF HIM. WHAT'S HIS DEAL?
- HE'S NEW. HE USED TO BE A SLACKER,
BUT NOW HE'S REALIZING HIS FULL POTENTIAL,
BUT AT WHAT COST?
HE'S SMART, AND HE'S BEAUTIFUL,
AND I THINK OF HIM IN MANY WAYS AS A DAUGHTER,
BUT THAT WOULD BE CRAZY 'CAUSE HE'S A MAN
AND HIS NAME'S RICKY.
HERE'S MY QUESTION.
HOW DID YOU USED TO SLOW ME DOWN
WHEN I WAS BECOMING TOO ME-ISH?
- SOMETIMES I'D JUST GIVE YOU BUSY WORK.
I ONCE HAD YOU PUT TOGETHER A BROCHURE
ABOUT DIFFERENT KINDS OF INDIANA TOPSOIL.
- THAT SOIL BROCHURE WAS NOT BUSY WORK.
I MEAN, PEOPLE STILL REFER TO MULCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING.
- AND IF YOU WERE PARTICULARLY AMPED UP ABOUT A PROJECT,
I'D TAKE YOU TO JJ'S AND DISTRACT YOU WITH WAFFLES.
- THOSE WERE DISTRACTION WAFFLES?
I THOUGHT THEY WERE FRIENDSHIP WAFFLES.
- BREAKFAST FOOD CAN SERVE MANY PURPOSES.
- BUT WHAT IF THIS PERSON, THIS RICKY, WHO IS REAL,
DOESN'T LIKE WAFFLES
OR ANYTHING.
- EVERYBODY HAS SOMETHING THEY'RE PASSIONATE ABOUT.
JUST FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS, EXPRESS AN INTEREST IN IT,
AND DIVERT HIS ATTENTION.
[The Farmer in the Dell plays]
*
- HOWDY, NEIGHBORS.
WELCOME TO HUMAN FARM.
HERE'S YOUR ANIMAL FEED. PLEASE DON'T FEED THE ANIMALS.
- WOW, THIS IS REALLY, REALLY COOL.
I LIKE THE STATEMENT IT'S MAKING
THAT, YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALL IN CAGES IN A WAY.
- YEAH, IT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT DEATH AND THE CITY.
- YEAH. I SEE THAT NOW.
HI, ORIN.
- MS. WICKS, IF YOU'VE READ OUR PROPOSAL,
YOU'LL SEE THAT AN ALLIANCE BETWEEN RENT-A-SWAG
AND SWEETUMS COULD BE MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL.
- WELL, I MUST SAY IT'S A MUCH BETTER IDEA
THAN THE LAST ONE YOU HAD,
THAT GOURMET FRENCH FOOD THING.
- OH, MY ESCARGOT DELIVERY SERVICE, SNAIL MAIL.
SO YOU WANT TO PARTNER UP AND MAKE HISTORY?
I MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY MADE HISTORY
AS THE WORLD'S MOST BEAUTIFUL CEO.
- I'M REALLY SORRY, CUTIE.
THE COMPANY'S LAYING LOW RIGHT NOW
DUE TO A SMALL MISHAP.
- AH, YES.
THE SWEETUMS MOLASSES STORAGE VAT EXPLODED,
RESULTING IN A SLOW-MOVING ECOLOGICAL DISASTER.
- WELL, ALL PRESS IS GOOD PRESS.
- NO, THIS WAS BAD PRESS.
A LOT OF HOMES WERE VERY GRADUALLY FLOODED.
- PEOPLE DIED.
ACTUALLY, SPEAKING OF,
WE'RE STARTING UP A NON-PROFIT FOUNDATION
TO RESTORE OUR NAME.
ANY INTEREST IN RUNNING IT?
- OH, I'M--I'M SORRY, YOU WANT ME TO RUN YOUR NON-PROFIT WING?
- I KNOW THAT BOBBY NEWPORT IS MY STEPSON,
BUT THE WORK YOU DID ON LESLIE'S CAMPAIGN WAS AMAZING.
YOUR NAME IS ON OUR SHORT LIST.
- JUST TO CLARIFY,
IT'S A NO TO ME ON ALL FRONTS,
AND YOU'RE OFFERING BEN A JOB?
- YEAH. - COOL. COOL.
- BEEN LOOKING AT YOUR FILE ALL DAY,
JERRY-- IF THAT EVEN IS YOUR REAL NAME.
- IT'S NOT. MY REAL NAME IS GARY.
- WELL, GARY--IF THAT EVEN IS YOUR REAL NAME--
SOMEBODY STOLE MY COMPUTER. NOW, IF YOU'RE A CRIMINAL,
LOOK AT ME,
YOU HAVE TO TELL ME LEGALLY,
OR ELSE IT'S CONSIDERED ENTRAPMENT.
- I'M SORRY, ANDY. IT WASN'T ME.
- OH, MAN, REALLY?
- NO. - OKAY.
OKAY, SO WE KNOW IT'S NOT JERRY,
UNLESS HE WAS LYING TO ME.
I CAN NEVER TELL WHEN PEOPLE ARE LYING TO ME.
HOPEFULLY THAT DOESN'T COME UP IN MY POLICE WORK.
- I THINK WE SHOULD DO MORE STUFF LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW, I THINK PAWNEE NEEDS AN AMAZING ARTS PROGRAM.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST DROP EVERYTHING AND COORDINATE IT.
- I'M NOT STUPID.
- WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- IT MEANS THAT THE ONLY REASON YOU BROUGHT ME HERE
IS TO DISTRACT ME FROM THE DOG PARK.
YOU HATE THIS SHOW. - I LOVE THIS SHOW.
- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART? - THE HEAVY-HANDEDNESS.
- [groans]
YOU KNOW WHAT, I HAVE TO GO TALK
TO COUNCILMAN JAMM RIGHT NOW.
- WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO COUNCILMAN JAMM?
- BECAUSE I TOLD HIM ABOUT THE DOG PARK IDEA,
AND HE LOVES IT. HE THINKS IT'S A GREAT IDEA.
HE'S GONNA SUPPORT MY MOTION
AT THE CITY COUNCIL MEETING TOMORROW,
AND HE GAVE ME A REALLY COOL DENTAL MIRROR
TO CHECK OUT MY MOLARS.
- OUR DISPUTE ASIDE, YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL WITH JAMM.
HE'S A SNAKE, I'M TELLING YOU.
- YEAH, LIKE I SHOULD TRUST YOU OUT OF ALL PEOPLE RIGHT NOW.
- MOO.
MOO. - QUIET, WEIRDO.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE A SHEEP?
- NO. YOU ARE.
- [whispers] OH, SHUT UP.
- TOM WOULD MAKE A GREAT PROFILE FOR YOUR SHOW.
I MEAN, THIS IS A GUY WHO'S LEARNED
THROUGH AN UNBELIEVABLE SERIES OF BONEHEAD BUSINESS MOVES.
- NOT TO MENTION IN THE LAST MONTH ALONE
THREE PEOPLE HAVE CONFUSED ME
FOR A SHORTER, INDIAN RYAN GOSLING.
- IT'S INTERESTING, BUT I THINK I NEED TO WAIT
UNTIL THE BUSINESS HAS BEEN AROUND
FOR A FEW MONTHS, MAKE SURE IT'S VIABLE.
YOU'RE THE GUY WHO RAN THE CONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGN
IN WASHINGTON, RIGHT? - YEAH.
- WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA OFFER HIM A JOB?
- YES. WE'RE LAUNCHING
A NEW POLITICAL CHAT SHOW, AND WE NEED CORRESPONDENTS.
- OH, WELL, THANK YOU,
BUT I'M A LITTLE SHAKY ON LIVE TV.
- THAT'S OKAY. PEOPLE WANT AUTHENTICITY.
THINK ABOUT IT? - DIDN'T YOU HEAR HIM?
HE STINKS ON TV.
HE SWEATS. HE STUTTERS.
IT'S LIKE THE KING'S SPEECH,
BUT THE FIRST PART, BEFORE HE'S FIXED.
- THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE MOVIE.
- WHAT IS HAPPENING?
- CHRIS TRAEGER.
- YUP. HI, ANDY.
- I KNOW YOU DID IT.
- DID WHAT? - [laughs]
DON'T PLAY STUPID AND HANDSOME WITH ME.
YOU STOLE MY COMPUTER SO THAT I COULD PRACTICE
FOR MY POLICE EXAM.
YOU'RE AS GUILTY AS YOU ARE SEXY.
- ANDY, ANOTHER COMPUTER WAS REPORTED STOLEN
FROM THE OFFICES ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE COURTYARD.
I DON'T THINK
THIS IS PART OF YOUR POLICE TRAINING.
I THINK CITY HALL WAS ROBBED.
- I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE LYING TO ME.
REALLY? - I THINK.
- LIKE A REAL CRIME? THAT'S EVEN BETTER.
- NEXT ORDER OF BUSINESS:
IT'S AGENDA ITEM 280B,
A MOTION TO CONSTRUCT A DOG PARK
ON MUNICIPAL LOT 48.
- MS. LUDGATE, YOU HAVE THE FLOOR.
- THANK YOU, COUNCILMAN JAMM.
YOUR HELP AND GENERAL NON-AWFULNESS
IS MUCH APPRECIATED.
LESLIE, MEMBERS OF THE COUNCIL,
I BELIEVE THAT MUNICIPAL LOT 48 SHOULD BE A DOG PARK.
- BOO. BOO.
WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE THERE'S CONSIDERABLE OPPOSITION TO THIS,
SO I'M SORRY, MS. LUDGATE,
YOU SHOULD GO NOW.
- REALLY? I JUST HEARD ONE HAG BOOING.
- LADIES, PLEASE, LET'S KEEP THIS CIVIL.
- COUNCILMAN, PAWNEEANS,
SATISFIED CUSTOMERS OF JAMM ORTHODONTICS,
AS WE DISCUSS WHAT TYPE OF PARK TO PUT ON LOT 48,
I HAD A THOUGHT.
HOW ABOUT NO PARK?
WHO HERE THINKS PARKS ARE STUPID?
LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT EVERYONE IS RAISING THEIR HANDS.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW FOR A FACT THAT PAWNEE'S FAVORITE
FAST FOOD RESTAURANT, PAUNCH BURGER, NEEDS A NEW LOCATION.
NOW, SEEING AS HOW THE FUTURE OF LOT 48 IS OPEN
FOR DEBATE, I MOVE WE SELL IT TO PAUNCH BURGER
FOR A NICE PROFIT.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE ASIAN TO DO MATH THAT SIMPLE.
- YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED A DOG PARK.
- UH, PSYCH.
- THAT'S NOT FAIR. YOU LIED TO ME.
- YOU JUST GOT JAMMED.
- I HATE WHEN HE SAYS THAT.
- I TOLD YOU THAT JAMM WAS A SNAKE.
- WELL, IT TAKES A SNAKE TO KNOW A SNAKE.
- SO NOW I'M A SNAKE? - YES.
YOU DECEIVED ME FOR TWO STRAIGHT DAYS,
AND YOU EAT MICE.
- I DON'T EAT MICE. - YES, YOU DO.
YOU'RE A MOUSE EATER. MOUSE EATER.
- ENOUGH!
YOU ARE FRIENDS AND COWORKERS.
IN THIS OFFICE, WE TREAT EACH OTHER WITH RESPECT.
- HEY, APRIL, HOW IS THAT DOG PARK COMING?
- GET OUT, JERRY. - THIS IS PRIVATE!
- SORRY, GUYS.
- WE ARE NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL YOU TWO FIGURE THIS OUT.
RON, GUARD THE DOOR.
- YES, SIR.
- NO ONE LEAVES THE OCTAGON.
I DATED AN ULTIMATE FIGHTER.
IT WAS LIKE A THING HE SAID.
- WHAT'S THE PLAY HERE, OFFICER?
YOU GONNA SET UP A PERIMETER,
MAYBE BUG A FEW PHONES?
OOH, I KNOW. WE COULD PUT OUT
A DUMMY COMPUTER FOR THEM TO STEAL,
FILL IT WITH EXPLOSIVES FIRST,
[clicks tongue] BOOM, TAKE 'EM ALL OUT.
- YEAH, WE'RE NOT DOING ANY OF THAT.
- ANDY, I LOVE YOUR ENTHUSIASM, BUT WE DON'T REALLY HAVE
THE KIND OF MONEY TO LAUNCH A MASSIVE INVESTIGATION.
- YOU'RE JUST GONNA FILL OUT THIS STUPID REPORT
AND THAT'S IT?
AS A FUTURE COP, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,
I CANNOT LET THIS GUY GO.
- LOOK, MAN, THIS IS WHAT MOST POLICE WORK IS.
JUST WRITING STUFF DOWN.
IT'S NOT SUPERHERO TIME.
IF IT SOUNDS BORING,
MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.
- MAYBE WE SHOULD FIND THE PERSON
WHO STOLE HIS POSITIVE ATTITUDE.
- HEY, MAN.
GET ANY MORE JOB OFFERS
SINCE I LAST SAW YOU?
- YEAH, BUT IT WAS JUST A MANAGEMENT POSITION
AT URBAN OUTFITTERS.
I TURNED IT DOWN.
- I DON'T KNOW, MAN. MAYBE I CAN'T HACK THIS.
MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE A CUE FROM YOU
AND STICK WITH MY BORING DAY JOB.
- WELL, MY ACCOUNTING JOB ISN'T BORING.
- IF IT WAS REMOTELY INTERESTING,
THERE WOULD BE A SHOW ON A&E ABOUT IT.
THEY HAVE A SHOW ABOUT STORAGE UNIT AUCTIONS.
- FAIR POINT.
LOOK, IF YOU'RE PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS,
KEEP AT IT. THINGS WILL TURN AROUND.
ALSO CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT TIME
THAT SHOW ABOUT STORAGE UNITS IS ON?
- 9:30.
- [sighs] ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE TO FORCE THIS.
LESLIE, MAYBE YOU WANT TO ADMIT
THAT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THE GREATEST ROLE MODEL.
- I DON'T CARE. ORIN'S MY ROLE MODEL.
- APRIL, MAYBE YOU WANT TO ADMIT
THAT YOU'VE BEEN A LITTLE SELFISH
AND INCONSIDERATE.
- LOOK, ALL I EVER WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO SHOW THE ENTHUSIASM
YOU SHOWED FOR YOUR DOG PARK, AND, WHEN YOU DID,
I BLEW IT.
AND I'M SORRY. - FINE.
I'M SORRY THAT I OUTSMARTED YOU AT EVERY TURN.
- APRIL. - AND I KNOW I HAVE A LOT
TO LEARN FROM YOU, AND I'M SORRY
THAT I DISRESPECTED YOUR STUPID DREAM.
- A LOT OF LOVE IN THIS ROOM.
- I'M VERY, VERY SORRY. - ME TOO.
- I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. - I LOVE YOU TOO.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS IN FRONT OF HER.
- OKAY. - OKAY, ANN,
SINCE YOU'RE SUCH A GENIUS, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
- NEITHER OF YOU WANT JAMM TO WIN, NOR DO I,
BECAUSE I HATE PAUNCH BURGER,
BUT, IF THERE IS ONE IN MY BACKYARD, I WILL EAT THERE,
LIKE, EVERY NIGHT, AND THAT IS NO GOOD.
SO I SAY WE STOP PLAYING DIRTY WITH EACH OTHER,
AND WE START PLAYING DIRTY WITH JAMM.
- YES. WE'LL HAVE TRIPLE-SEX WITH HIM.
- NO. I HAVE AN IDEA. IT'S VERY UNCOOL,
BUT IT'S NOT ILLEGAL, TECHNICALLY,
BUT IT IS A DICK MOVE.
- I LOVE IT.
- HEY, CAPTAIN.
STATUS UPDATE:
MY NEW SUSPECT--THE DUDE WHO RUNS CARPET EMPORIUM.
THE WAY I FIGURE IT IS,
CRIMINALS LOVE TO WRAP THINGS UP IN RUGS.
PLUS, HE YELLED AT ME WHEN I TRIED TO UNROLL 'EM ALL, SO...
- ANDY, WHILE I APPRECIATE YOUR DEDICATION
TO FINDING THIS CRIMINAL,
I THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT
WHAT THE POLICEMAN SAID.
- I MEAN, GOSH,
IF I CAN'T EVEN INVESTIGATE BAD GUYS,
WHY BECOME A COP AT ALL?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WHEN I GET BUMMED OUT, I TAKE MY SHIRT OFF
BECAUSE THE BAD FEELINGS MAKE ME FEEL SWEATY.
[groans]
YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE I SHOULD BAIL
ON BEING A COP.
- CITY HALL NEEDS A NEW PART-TIME SECURITY GUARD
FOR THE WEEKENDS.
YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
LOOK AT IT AS A WAY TO FEEL OUT
WHETHER YOU WANT TO BE A POLICE OFFICER.
BUT, KEEP IN MIND, IF YOU TAKE THIS JOB,
YOU MUST KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON AT ALL TIMES,
EVEN IF YOU GET SAD.
- NO DEAL.
OKAY, I'LL DO IT.
- THAT A BOY. - I'LL DO IT. I PROMISE.
AND I GET A GUN,
AND I CAN POINT IT IN PEOPLE'S FACES.
- INCORRECT.
[dog barking]
- HEY. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
- OH, HELLO, COUNCILMAN.
THE DOGS ARE HERE BECAUSE THERE'S NO DOG PARK
IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, AND THE KIDS ARE HERE
BECAUSE THERE'S NO HUMAN PARK IN YOUR AREA.
THEY ALL NEEDED A PLACE TO PLAY.
- MY FRONT LAWN?
- THAT'S RIGHT,
AND THEY'RE GONNA KEEP USING IT
UNTIL THERE'S AN ACTUAL PARK NEARBY.
- HEY, HEY, LADY, GET THAT THING OFF MY GNOME.
HE IS DRY-HUMPING MY GARDEN GNOME.
STUPID BEAST. - COUNCILMAN JAMM, WE JUST NEED
A LITTLE BIT MORE TIME TO DESIGN OUR PARK.
AND, IF YOU PLOW THROUGH AND IGNORE US,
THIS IS GONNA BE YOUR LIFE.
- I'LL CALL THE POLICE.
- YEAH, SIC THE POLICE ON A BUNCH OF KIDS AND PUPPIES.
THAT'S A GREAT PHOTO OP. - FINE.
GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT.
IN 90 DAYS, WE'LL PUT OUR PLANS TO A VOTE.
WINNER TAKE ALL. - DEAL.
- GREAT, NOW CALL OFF THE ACTUAL DOGS.
I WANT THESE KIDS OFF MY LAWN.
I WANT THAT HULA HOOP OFF MY 'VETTE.
RIGHT NOW. - HEY, JAMM.
YOU JUST GOT KNOPED. AND LUDGATED.
AND PERKINSED. - HA-HA.
NICE TRY. IT DIDN'T WORK.
YOU JUST GOT JAMMED.
[door slams]
- OKAY, SO LET'S GET TO WORK.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, DO YOU NEVER JUST TAKE A SECOND
TO ENJOY THINGS?
- I JUST SAID, "LET'S GET TO WORK."
HOW ELSE DO PEOPLE ENJOY THINGS?
- I KNOW YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND LAST TIME
WE OFFERED YOU A JOB,
BUT WE ARE JUST THRILLED
THAT YOU CHANGED IT AGAIN.
- THANK YOU. ME TOO.
- THIS IS OUR BEST OFFICE.
AS YOU CAN SEE THROUGH THE WINDOW,
YOU HAVE A GREAT VIEW OF THE BILLING DEPARTMENT.
HEY, SHARON! - SHH.
- SORRY. SHE'S FUN.
SO, PLEASE,
IF THERE'S ANYTHING WE CAN DO
TO MAKE YOU HAPPIER IN YOUR NEW JOB,
JUST LET ME KNOW.
- OH, NO, THIS IS GREAT, BARNEY.
THANK YOU.
BUT I HAVE TO QUIT AGAIN.
- WHAT--OHH! IS THIS A CLASSIC BEN JOKE?
- NO. I'M REALLY SORRY.
BUT I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
I NEED TO MOVE MY LIFE IN ANOTHER DIRECTION.
- THIS IS DISAPPOINTING. AGAIN.
MAYBE SOMEDAY WE'LL FIGURE OUT THE MAGIC FORMULA
THAT GETS YOU TO WORK HERE.
- WELL, FORMULAS ARE MY FORMULA FOR MOOLAH.
- [laughing]
TED, GET IN HERE!
BEN'S QUITTING AGAIN, BUT YOU GOTTA HEAR WHAT HE SAID.
- LESLIE'S BEEN SAYING FOR WEEKS I SHOULD DO SOMETHING
I LOVE, AND SHE'S RIGHT.
AND I'LL HELP TOM OR MAYBE TRY TO DO THAT TV THING
OR MAYBE WORK FOR THE SWEETUMS FOUNDATION.
I DON'T KNOW. LIFE IS SHORT.
WHY BE AN ACCOUNTANT, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, OTHER THAN THE STABILITY AND THE HEALTH PLAN
AND THE ABOVE-AVERAGE PAY.
OH, GOD, THIS BETTER WORK OUT.